Where Am I Now?

Those of you who have been regular readers of MaltaToday since it's inception, might recall a very entertaining column entitled 'Where are they now?' Tongue lodged firmly in cheek, I am posting what is possibly the first auto-biographical sarcastic interview... EVER. (Drum rolls please!) This post is dedicated to said column and its author. By the way, does anyone know why they stopped running the column???

Name: Nina78
No, we meant actual name: You wish! Prefer to hide under safe womb-like protection duvet of nome de plume. Also, cannot possibly handle chance of some people taking a contract out on my head.

Gender: Female, duh! (just take a look at the staggering amount of shoes, accessories, bags and clothes in subject's possession.)

Age: It's NOT appropriate to ask a lady that!
Age: Ask nicely.
Age, pretty please: 27. I know I don't look it (or act like it!) but it's true.

Last time you checked the meaning of modesty in the dictionary: Oh shut up! I.AM.NOT.TALKING.TO.YOU.

Most remarkable features: Wit, sense of humour and hearing voices of my head.

Were you paying attention to the previous question?

Favourite action hero: Batman.

Mission in life: World domination.

Appearance: Stylish and high-maintenance. Slightly hungover, but ONLY this morning!

Will never: Eat at fast-food chains.

Who's coming over for supper tonight: Supper, do I look like I have time for supper? Or the will to eat?

Where am I now?
Temporal-spatial dimension of self, currently unknown. Have been globe-trotting in manner of jet setting mogul (only NOT in first class!) for work-related purposes. Am jet-lagged and pathetically trying to catch up with humungous list of things-to-do. (Listing obsession reaching dramatic proportions now.) Too busy to bother with mess-state of self's life (which perhaps is a very good thing.) Also due to all this travelling have felt incontrollable urge to spend at airports and have also managed to squeeze in some frantic shopping under the buy-all-you-can-due-to-little-time-for-shopping-while-on-business-trip syndrome. As a result, ams now scared of checking bank balance as self's MasterCard is still hot from usage at various EPOS machines across Europe. Financial doom imminent. Possibly self is also still too drunk from last night to know / care about location! Gaah!

(Sound of head throbbing. Padumph. Padumph. Pa-da-dum. DUM.)

Where are you going?
Do I look like I know? Seriously! Do you mean where are you going, as in what are you planning to do with your life? That's a good question. One which requires serious reflection - perhaps I can jot down some ideas while I'm travelling on a plane (unless I have to catch up on work or something!)

No. What location will you be visiting next?
Oh, that!

(Sigh of total and utter boredom escapes self's lips.)

So?
Oh right. You're expecting a sensible answer.

(Sound of torch-light going on and rummaging of self searching for sense and its defunct cousin: sensible answer, in bottomless pit of new tote.)

Am attending a conference somewhere in the Med.

Sigh. (In resignation.)