Winners & Losers

One can surely divide the world according to different criteria, eg wealth, age, language, race, religion. But one thing that slices through all these boundaries like a scalpel is certainly success. In life, there are winners and there are losers. Period.

Now which group would you rather belong to? Don’t bother answering. It’s obvious enough.

(In the instance that you have selected the more-obscure and less obvious option i.e losers, please back away from your computer, slowly. Refrain from making any sudden moves. Please stand up, call the funny farm and wait for your white-coat clad escorts to fit you into that snug circulation-cutting little white vest before carting you off to the Hill.)

Face it, we live in a culture obsessed with winning. And I for one, quite fancy the winning bit, particularly after lots and lots of hard-work, sweating, racing-pulse, etc. What I cannot possibly, ever understand is what the Infinitely Wise One (IWO) was thinking when he made the likes of Paris Hilton – not that it is for me to understand, I would never be *that* arrogant. Really. But I have a little issue with Ms Hilton and her ilk. The world is their oyster and they shun Fate’s smile on their undeserving faces, in the manner with which ducks let water roll off their backs! No, even worse, they probably give Fate the twice-over and comment on how last season her shoes are, peppering their language with ‘That’s hot!’ and ‘Loves it!’ Why? Surely, I would have been more gracious with Fate’s kindness, had this only been bestowed upon me.

(Note to self: STOP watching The Simple Life or self’s brain will go simple, and apart from marking an unbearable loss to the human race, would guarantee self a reserved place at the Hill.)

ENTIRELY FICTICIOUS SCENARIO: Am trying to imagine self at an A-list party in Ms Hilton’s Manolos, which a. don’t fit, b. are too high, and c. don’t go with what I’m wearing. In addition I am constantly looking around nervously because I don’t know anyone, everyone’s drunk (or worse!), someone who looks suspiciously like Mr Colin 'irritating' Farrell is sliding up to me, accessorised with cigarette-in-mouth, beer bottle in one hand and an upcoming thrashy actress (utterly eluded by talent) draped across his other arm. GAAH!

Verdict: Nightmare.

(See what I mean about the Hill now.)

Voice of sane/ adult part of self’s personality (obviously an insignificantly small part of self): Has she gone and totally lost it now?

Self replying to sane/ adult part of self’s personality: No, you git! And will you stop making me feel guilty for everything? I mean a girl deserves a little fun, right? Anyway. I have not lost it.

Actually, I’ve found it! I now know how Fate is going to make everything up to me: I am going to win today’s Super 5 draw.

Sane/ adult part of self’s personality, holding phone to metaphysical ear: Hello, directory enquiries? Yes, could you kindly give me the number of the Funny Farm on the Hill? That’s right. And make it quick for goodness sakes before she gets violent.

Self replying to sane/ adult part of self’s personality: Shurrrup!

Generally I am not really in favour of buying tickets to lotteries, etc because even when I do, I never win! But today it occurred to me to buy tickets for the draw. I felt a very strong special draw to the ticket booth and therefore I have bought two tickets, with a similar selection of numbers – because I was unsure whether Fate instructed me to take a 4 or a 14 – so basically, I thought best to play it safe.
Tonight, when I win the Super 5 draw my life will change. I will drive around in a Hum Vee, wearing only Calvin Klien, Vera Wang, Gucci and Donna Karen over La Perla! Yesss… Cannot wait.

Sane/ adult part of self’s personality, whispering: Boys and Girls check our site for tomorrow’s post: 'How come I didn’t win?'

Long lost friends

Once upon a time I had a childhood friend. We went to the same school, and we used to have parties and go to each other’s houses and everything. And I always thought of her as a little pretty doll who had magically managed to come alive.

Then we grew up, went to different schools and took different paths. In other words we fell out of touch.

- How is that possible on such a small rock like Malta?

- I don't know. I'm just telling you what happened.

Admittedly I am quite certain that had I been more outgoing and self-assured a few years back, when I saw her at one of my favourite Paceville haunts I might have just gone up to her to say hi. But I felt awkward. So I didn’t.

Sometimes it’s not what you do that really gets to you. It’s what you didn’t do and what could have been. ‘What if?’ – that is definitely the most frightening concept ever! Because it means that you closed a door on an opportunity, shutting it out of your life forever. And more often than not, the postman does only ring once. And sometimes when he does, you’re not at home and your special delivery package gets lost forever.

Not having said ‘hi’ (that damn monosyllabic word) to my childhood friend - that will be, alas, one of the few things which I will live to regret. So much of our childhood friendship could have been reminisced… we could have stayed in touch… wudda, cudda, shudda…

Years later I heard, by manner of the all-knowing grapevine, that she suffered a tragedy in the family. Once this news had been confirmed I sent her a card, complete with my return address and contact details. Weeks, months passed by and I never received anything from her. I figured that she wasn’t ready, secretly expecting a note, an sms or an email from her, one day. Time passed and… nothing. I wasn’t surprised. To be honest, I didn’t even take it personally. I just figured that it was too difficult for her to talk about it just yet.

And then it happened. An apparition.

Last week, on my way home from work I glanced at someone who looked familiar, who reminded me of someone I knew. It was like a dream, where you know who you’re dreaming of, but can’t quite put your finger on the identity of the other person.

And then our eyes met. It was her. She looked like a porcelain doll, fragile and pretty. We stopped in our tracks. I think I even stopped breathing for a few seconds, out of shock. But as soon as she realised who I was she turned her head. And I just stood there.

Again I figured that she wasn’t ready.

Then something gripped the pit of my stomach and I suddenly felt the urge to chase after her, find her and tell her how sorry I am about everything. But then the vagrant look in her eyes haunted me. I stood planted to the ground contemplating her look, the very vision of her.

Should I have stopped? What if…

After all what would I tell her? Was I going to ask her what she’s been up to? Is she seeing anyone lately? Was I going to tell her about the last disastrous date I went on? Or about my blog?

We are not best friends. And although I swear that I really wanted to help her, I couldn’t think of anything I could do to make one little bit of difference in her life.

Some words are better left unsaid.

And perhaps, after all I am the one who’s not ready.

I still hope however, that she does get in touch with me. And I hope that when she does, I’ll be ready.

Hiatus

I just realised that I accidentally went on a hiatus - I didn't mean to not blog for so long, but I was unwell, then I was sick (as in sick and tired) then I was confused and now, I think I am back to square one.

Ergo entire worth of self's spiritual quest has evaporated into the great nothingness of the universe.

Humph!

Well, I realised this when Troy - a newly acquired virtual friend of mine, dropped me an email wondering whether I had fallen off of the face of the planet or perhaps was in a coma. Fortunately, neither one nor the other has befallen me and I am alive and well.

Let's see... what happened in the past three and a half weeks? (In chronological order...)

1. Unfortunately I attended the funeral of a friend's baby daughter. Harrowing. Heartbreaking.

2. I came across three separate people who I hadn't seen in a while. As is usually the case in such occasions, each of them promised to call / SMS / email me to meet for coffee / dinner / a drink. Neither of them did. I hate it when people do that! It's so despicable that it should be illegal. This is why I referred to these guys as three separate people and NOT three friends.

3. I went through quite a bit of stress. I don't know why life gets like this, but mine does. I think that it is because I care too much about too many things. I never thought I would possibly think that there is something wrong with that, but lately I am altering my perception about lots of things and lots of people!

4. For the first time since I've known him, my Zen Master (slash mentor slash whatever - who I never previously mentioned in my blog, although he is quite an inspiring figure in my life!) has not been able to shed any significant light into my bleak mood. Perhaps, as he would indubitably say, I am not being receptive enough! Hmmm... I soooo hate it when he's right, just like that! I find it so annoying!

5. The Pope died. I am not a particularly fanatic religious person, but I did so like Wojtyla. Apart from his role as leader of the Roman Catholic Church, I thought that his life journey was amazing and inspirational! I don't think that I should be saying this, but I'm going to anyway... I wonder what Dan Brown, author of the infamous and ill-written Da Vinci Code (no, I am NOT going to link to his site or his book, if you want more info, just Google them!) would have to say about this Pope's death and his funeral. My blood reverses course and my brain ceases at the very thought that he might come up with some other spoon-fed narrative style conspiracy-theory caper surrounding the death of the Pontiff! Eeek!

I was taking stock of my life, well the past three and a half weeks, really - and I just realised, that no matter what, I feel that I am at least two steps ahead of my previous post. Which, I suspect is a good thing. But at what price?

Have a great weekend and keep in touch!

Je ne sais pas!

I am still here….

Actually I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not. But it’s a fact. A truth. (Now I’m starting the whole ‘is-the-truth –relative?’ diatribe in my head, which is already unhealthily perched on the precipice of an explosive end!)

Ok… am trying to regroup. Feeling a little confused. Ok maybe more than a little. I guess that this is what danger lies behind a woman contemplating, life – hers or otherwise! Even worse when the only answer to questions is ‘buqq… dunno.’ Yep, as in je ne sais pas!

And answers... they are so elusive! (But why am I so arrogant to believe that I can answer universal questions which have plagued the mighty brains of Aristotle, and the like?)

GAAAAH! am getting too frustrated even thinking about all this again! There was a point to this post (for a change!)... I'm sure of that!

Oooh! Yes… I forgot. In between asking questions (i.e. Why? Why ME? Trust me - not good…) and hunting down answers which are as fleeting as ghosts I have been:

- Totally neglecting Project 1 – so I am going to have to make up for it by staying at home this weekend, and the next, and the next, ad nauseum. Bummer.

- Reading like mad - finished Hemmingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls, Helen Fielding’s Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination, and Anna Maxted’s Behaving Like Adults. (I know… don’t say anything… the term escapism is screeching in my ears, like nine inch nails grating across a blackboard!)

- Working with some steam on Project 2, although I am not entirely satisfied with it, I think that this month will put an impressive mark (in manner of epiphanicial catalyst) on this project. Tell you more at a later stage. (Although, also blatant escapism – perhaps escapissim? Hmmm.)

- Project 3 is back on track after a disasterous spell! Why do I need all the answers, to everything? Perhaps I am just a girl. A girl with a blog.

Daqshekk! Am going to make some calming green tea …

Emergency

I have recently been writing poetry with more frequency and intensity. I have dabbled with free verse for a number of years, much like a blind man would dabble with oils on canvas. But following my haiku stint, which is still going strong, i have taken up free verse with some more vigour.

Today, I am in a very weird, almost perturbed mood, and I wrote this:


Emergency

In solitude,
I need
the edge,
wild and dangerous,
and alive.

A life
of trysts
and
adventures
haunts my dreams
in wake
and
sleep.

Clutching
at my desk,
to survive
the mundane
trying to be
calm.

Useless bloody mantras.

Feigning
calm,
contained
anger
bubbles and boils
and
boils bubbles
in the ulcer-pierced
cauldron
of my
stomach.

I want out!

‘Excuse me, sir.
Which way’s the exit?
Tell me, please,
please
tell me
now.

This is an emergency!’



Fortunately I am meeting a friend for coffee, so that should sort out the sullen mood!

Gozo weekend break… finally!

This weekend was a total blast! Went to Gozo with Lars and Er. Woke up at bloody 7 am on a Saturday to catch the 9 am ferry (‘to make the best of it!’ as Lars in her “infinite wisdom”, put it…) but it was totally worth it!

Spent the weekend mostly reading, listening to Asian fusion tunes, partying and relaxing in the triple room of a 4-star hotel in Marsalforn. We also managed to get some exercise done as we went swimming (obviously in the hotel’s indoor pool, which wasn’t half as warm as I was hoping…) Saturday evening, after going for a pizza in Xlendi, the girls and I went to this club called XS where DJs Pierre Cordina and Carlo Borg Bonaci were mixing the decks, and we had a good, albeit somewhat baffling time! A couple of Gozitan specimen of the male sex tried to pick us up – as we gathered, after much mindboggling linguistic deconstruction, as we couldn’t understand what they were saying… They have a v strong accent there… ho hmmm.

We spent lots of time driving round Malta’s sister island, which is untainted by excessive over-urbanisation, traffic hell, etc. We managed to get lost a couple of times along our ‘road trip’ (I know it’s probably impossible for anyone to get lost in Gozo… it’s so small…)

Sunday we went to Dwejra for ice-cream, and started making our way to the Mgarr Harbour. When Er pulled the pre-paid return tickets our of my car's glovecompartment, we discovered that the liquid air freshener, which I had detached from the car fan (due to Er's asthma) had leaked all over the tickets! Gaaah! Fortunately the barcodes were still legible and after some explaining to the booth attendant and lots of embarrassed / hysterical giggling we managed to get through! By the time we got back home on Sunday afternoon, we were too tired to do much of anything!

I soooo needed a break… But it’s Monday again… Oh well!

Making deadlines!

Firstly: Ooops sorry...was meant to post yesterday, but I got caught up with one of my other projects and was totally wiped out with the reilief that... (Drum roll please!)

Yesss... yesss... yesss! I met the deadline - project 1 part 1 on time!

AND am quite satisfied with the outcome, if I dare say so myself (and I do!) Am I good or am I good? (No, it't NOT a typo - it's a trick question! He he! Gotcha!)

So yes... I'm estatic, la vie - ah! c'est marveillieuse!

Am regaining control of my life again! Tonight am going out to celebrate with JackieChan (NOT the moviestar BUT one of my best friends EVER), who also has some great work-releated news to celebrate!

And talking about celebrating, Lars and Er have already warned me to prepare for a weekend of total pampering and bliss in Gozo! Aaaah! Probably all three of us (although obviously NOT together!) will get back massages by some Norwegian deity-lookalike massus, possibly called Hans, with piercing blue eyes and blond hair, and bulging biceps...

Hmmm... will take a moment (or two... or possibly longer.... ho hum) to visualise said image...

Right... am back!

As I was saying, Lars, Er and I are going to spend the weekend getting facials, and being fabulous and elegant and blissful at the spa of a super sleek hotel in Gozo. Much in the manner of a diva, recouping from post-Oscar celebrations. Only none of us are divas (...yet! Although we sometimes behave as though we are!) And our invites to the Oscars and post-Oscar bashes have been, erm... lost in the mail, shall we say?

In addition, yesterday I had some major writing breakthroughs, which I hope to polish (possilbly this weekend at the spa!) and post... so all you smart dolls and guys out there can let me know what you think!

Cigarette break

Saturday morning. Have been awake since 8 this morning! Deadline is Monday! Obviously did not go out last night, and am not going out tonight or tomorrow! So much for TGFTW (Thank God For The Weekend!)

Blah!

Have been working on Project 1 following a series of unpredictable setbacks all morning and have decided to take a cigarette break (finally!) Since there is way too much caffeine in my system, it is impossible for me to revert from multi-tasking and do one thing at a time i.e. sit and relax for five minutes. Therefore decided that best way to use time while smoking is to post on my blog - something which I haven't managed to do in a while!

I wanted to thank those of you who have emailed / called with words of support and encouragement! Thanks L, J (aka JackieChan), E, Joseph, etc.

I should write back shortly, possibly tomorrow or Monday depending on the exigencies of this insatiably demanding Project 1. Fortunately next weekend L, E and myself are spending a glorious girl's nite in Gozo, where we plan to do nothing but get pampered and have fun! So at least that's something nice to look forward to!

Have a great weekend!

Must get back to work! Work. work. work.

Naaaaaaah!

Bloody hell!

Bloody Monday!

Project 1 has taken up most of my time. Actually it has practically taken over my life in manner of weird slimey outer-space parasite! In addition, people who are supposed to help have (just for the sake of shits and giggles, apparently!) become insurmountable obstacles. Which is why my posts have been so scarce. Bloody typical! Imma x’taghmel? Am getting a little bit annoyed at the way in which life is getting in the bloody way of MY plans to take over the universe!

For some unknown reason (let's not even try to figure this one out!) this reminds me of a John Lennon quote which was on a billboard in the film Kuffs, one of my favourites during my Christian Slater era, which was obviously before he earned a reputation for being a stripper-loving gambling-drinker). God, that was complicated! Anyway the quote was:

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

Hmmm… am taking a moment to search for spiritual enlightenment.

Have returned to senses (tee heeee!) from philosophical break…

Minutes spent pondering ‘life’ quote: 17

Minutes spent pondering point of self’s life: 23

Iota of spiritual enlightenment found: 0

All together now: Naaaaaah!

Am feeling totally... Totally… There are no words. No words. Nothing!

Am in one of those moods where I just know that it is useless to even think about trying not to moan. Perhaps should go to a health farm for a week or a month or something… like Ben Affleck (although obviously NOT because I am a Hollywood A-list actor with ‘issues’).

Hmmm perhaps will go to a health farm, find God and accidentally bump into some Greek-godlike billionaire actor who’ll cart me off to some quiet idyllic island, where…. (obviously is no need to go on. Have never written smut and do not need to walk down that road exactly right now! Am already down in the dumps… better not take my writing into the sewer, or at this point might really run off to a non-extradition country!)

I mean, surely it’s alright to fantasise about such things! It’s only momentary psychological escapism . V healthy actually! At 26??? Is this healthy at 26? Don’t know, really – think is better not to know than to find out and be carted off to the funny farm (as opposed to v exclusive, chic health farm. Hmm… image of health farm now getting alarmingly more elaborate!)

Need a distraction from all this nonsensical complication. Ok. Let me check my inbox. Perhaps have received email from said godlike actor…

Total bummer! No email from godlike actor. (Surprise, surprise! Tsk!) Desperate attempt to reconnect to reality has miserably failed (again!)

Have just re-read above post and am laughing. I managed to make myself laugh! And as a consequence am feeling better. Perhaps due to the endorphin thingies which kick into your system when you laugh as a natural anti-depressant! Or perhaps because even when I lose my patience, thankfully I still don’t lose my sense of humour! Or perhaps because this blog is really a thin disguise for narrative therapy!

Am going to return to tackle bloody Project 1 with renewed vigour and determination and am also probably going to steam roll over people-cum-insurmountable-obstacles! Have a great week! (I will keep you posted about mine!)

Weatherwise

The word 'weatherwise' reminds me of Frank (Sinatra) singing Fly With Me, where he sings:

Weatherwise it’s such a lovely day
You just say the words
And we’ll beat the birds
Down to Aacapulco bay
It’s perfect, for a flying honeymoon - they say
Come fly with me
We’ll fly we’ll fly away

... I'm going to make an effort to stop typing there. Yes - I have been typing the words to the swing tune from memory. I guess it's just one of those songs

Michael Buble who is reviving swing in mainstream pop culture also does a pretty good rendition of the song. Finally perhaps swing is back! I don't quite know why (as in the reason escapes me, but then again it might also be a case of all reason in generally escaping me..) but I always had a penchant for the 30s, and 40s. Perhaps it is the clothes. Or the excitement of novelty, which my generation might very well have lost for good. We have seen everything. Done everything. and then some. But nothing is new. As they say in the U.S. of A. 'been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt.'

There are some things (quite a few really!) which I will admittedly never understand. Like, when all likelihood is that it will turn out to be a sensibly nice winter day, and therefore I wear my new tweed skirt with black tights. Then badabingbadaboom it starts pissing rain, hailing and blowing up gusts of wind that threaten to turn me into Mary Poppins (Ms Practically Perfect in Every Way) if I open my umbrella outdoors. Boqq! Somethings are just beyond my grasp.

Now I am a winter lover! Always have been, always will be. Unashamedly I despise the splintering summer sun and long for the windy winter weather. BUT (and there is always a ‘but’, other than the one we sit on, of course, which incidentally is spelt with a double ‘t’ at the end, ‘thus butt’ – but I digress…)

Where was I? Yes… But Mr Weather Man could at least kindly make up his mind about what it’s going to be. It is very difficult to colour and texture co-ordinate you look in tune with the cold weather, only to find out that contrary to all blithering expectations (and possibly – although not sure about this, but anyway- NASA satellite imaging system thingies) it’s going to be colder than cold! And trust me, it is no joke wearing skirts in winter, ‘gorgeous A-line tweed skirt, with cross hatch detail and a frayed hem for that little touch of bohemia’ or not! Tights or not! But the skirt is fantastic...

Which reminds… this sales season was not so hot for me (not just weatherwise I mean!) Apart from a ‘few’ (ho... hum..) key fashion items, this season hasn’t offered much. I know that I am an exigent shopper. And alas, I operate under a form of budget (word to be used and understood loosely...) Flexible as it may be, but a budget nonetheless.

Now, can someone please explain to me what on earth shop owners and managers (managers for the love of style!) are doing setting up with the spring fashion when its so c-c-c-cold that my hands turn blue at the mere sight of a three-quarter sleeved shirt? Someone? Anyone?

I mean it’s too cold to want to try on lighter spring clothes. It’s almost unnaturally cold for a Maltese person – after all this winter has been the coldest in 19 or 14 years (depending which of the local newspapers you read!) Shoppers cannot possibly be expected to buy spring clothes while winter sales rage on! Can they? I mean at this rate these guys are going to be having their spring stock sale in under two months!

Have just re-read the post..... Hmmm.... this is v troublesome.... Can someone PLEASE explain to me how on earth I got from weatherwise, to Frank Sinatra to the sales and the weather? Arrghh! Head is spinning in attempt to backtrack through this logic here. Think I better go get some rest!