Ifs, Ands and But(t)s

If only something would go right! The great premise of my life. The one caveat I can never draft into my contracts. Does that sound so unreasonable? Believe me, at the moment it is.

And unfortunately I am wearing non-water proof mascara, so I can't even pretend to go to the loo and have a little cry session. (And yes I know, I started the previous sentence, as well as this aside with an 'and', breaking the rules of countless writing style guides written for people who couldn't recognise style even if it was staring them in the face and bit them in the arse! Call it blatant defiance - it is!)

Goodnessgraciousme. What to do now?

Now?

What?

Feeling as though am walking on a tightrope. (And not for the first time.)

But fortunately (defying style guides, once again - see!) love wearing high heels (although clearly do not need them, as am tall and have great posture!) Problem is that I have no sense of balance. Not physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. Am always dashing between the extremes. Aristotle's words are water off my back.

Tightrope? Pleaaaaase. I can handle it.

No I cannot. Want a puppy (rottweiler or golden Labrador, depending on my mood.) Want to go home and crawl under the duvet with a case of Moet which I will have to sleep off in manner of comatose patient!

Puppy / home / duvet / Moet all impossibly unavailable to me. Am therefore going to surf the net as a temporary displacement activity.

Back. Diga'!?!

Oooh! Will check self's email. Perhaps have received email from BeeW (Bruce Willis, as he is known to his fans!)

Back again. No email from Bruce / Beno / God. No one.

Gaaah! Perhaps should call Zen Master?

No.

Will handle mini-crisis on my own. Perhaps will employ evasive tactics. Yes. Surely that's a great plan. Mela, after I getouttahere will go shopping as Dear-Lord-In-Heaven-Above (aka DLIHA) there must (and I mean MUST) be something good out there to buy. A new pair of shoes – definitely! And a matching bag – ditto. And a new notebook to start yet another project.

See… Shopping! Yippee! Feeling better already!

And then I had a (not so) little drink…

Note (1): I know that this post is well overdue. It's way much more overdue than my credit card payment, actually! Which (sneaky suspicion creeping up...) may be why the bank manager's got a contract out on my head! Overdue it is. And (modesty apart.... ppppfft!) I think it's worth it! (Said in manner of a certain supermodel in the ad campaign of certain hair products...)

Note (2): Some background on this post (you're gonna need it so keep reading): Since I cannot, for the sake of me moblog (Why dear God, why? WHY?), I have written the following post as an SMS on my mobile and saving it as a draft. (There I am manipulating technology to suit ME! My plans for world domination may be realised after all! Ha ha ha! (Ominously. Then, teeeee heeeee! in fits of hysterical outbreak which are likely to land me at the farm!)

Note (3): This is a long post. Not boring, but voluminous - sounds better, like saying not fat, but voluptuous. What I mean is, get some snacks and beverages ready (lo fat AND lo cal if you’re voluptuous), we don’t want you withering away in front of your computer!

- Opens mobile and is about to start typing new message.

Hang on, waitress is coming and absolutely must have food as have drunk (vide title and await insane explanation to follow.)

- Bdejna bit-tajjeb. (Maltese for: So much for starting on the right foot.)

Am at a party. Alone. And I don't know anyone here, despite being in Malta. So am moblogging after a non functional fashion (ie saving my post as a draft SMS message on my mobile.) Very me – particularly the non functional part. Seen any loose cannons lately, anyone?

Is it possible that I know nobody at wedding in Malta ?

Yes. Contrary to popular, indeed perhaps also logical expectation, it is! ‘Bloody Marvellous’, to quote Uncle Benny in Lethal Weapon 4, who was also v inebriated when he said it! (Again, vide title!)

Hang on, good looking guy is passing! (V good looking? Or is he just average, but looking better due to the drink?)

- Lordy, lordy, lord!

Typical! Is with someone (female, tarty-looking broad. Poss his gf (girlfriend)? Obviously he has no taste in women. Or rather he does have taste but its v V baaaad! Eeek!)

Better start putting you dear readers in the picture, as I assume that you must be pretty confused by now.

- You and me both! Heqqq hmmmm... (sounds of choking, stifled laughter, gagging. Big banging sounds in background. Commotion ends abruptly.)

Came to pahtay alone as all men I know are: busy, abroad, coupled, gay, mad or missing in action (and they’d better pray that they ain’t found til I’m done raving and ranting). Brilliant! (Note bitter sarcasm in self's voice.) But had to come to the bash as it was a friend's plus I hadn't had the brains to give her the pressie earlier. (Me, being the genius that I am – NOT!)

Will take a moment of pause to gather self's so as to focus on the point of entire post.

- Moment of pause to gather self's thoughts broken by commotion. Getting louder and more rauchous. (There, have managed to use a word from my word-a-day-calendar. Although whether said word has been used correctly is another matter altogether.)

Gawd! Need food as am done for and poss totally smashed. Funny how when in desperate need, one becomes transparent to waiters!

- She meant to say invisible, not transparent. Chuh!

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

- Loud crashing sound in background. What is it now! Did you have to scare me like that?

Maybe am dead and do not know it, in manner of Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. Ooops, nearly toppled over in stiletto heels, so am not dead (too undignified even for ghost to topple over in heels!) Phew!

Yesss, waitress coming my way with food. Of some sort, anyway. Cannot be choosy as am on the brink of an insane drunk episode, methinks. Better feed the alcohol demon by eating. Wonder whether finger food will keep the alcohol demon at bay. V doubtful but no harm in trying.

Awwwww! Just bit into smouldering feta cheese and gherkin fried-in-lipsmacking-batter thingy which has burnt self's mouth.

Double damn. Now need another drink to cool down! You see! This is how perfectly normal people unintentionally get drunk when having an episode, for which they are in no way to blame.

- Erm yes. She just wants another drink, doesn’t she now?

Yes. Need another drink! Need? Want? Pffaff! Yes, that and another cigarette. Shit.

- Oi. Watch your language you. A lady dressed in such a pretty number has no business with those words. And show some respect for your readers, will you?.

Pause. Self checks whether self’s superego is hitting on self (what the heck would that mean? Damn Freud!) / being too bossy / needs a lesson in NOT telling me how to behave in such a mess! Large fight ensues. Screams. Crockery (from where?) smashing. Sounds of sword-fight. People hanging off large wrought iron chandelier. Sound of chandeliers plummeting to the ground. Fall of chandelier broken by fictional being (i.e. self’s superego) previously swinging off it. Werewolf-like howling. Superego gives in and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Leaves self alone to be mollycoddled by Id.

On way to bar spot the only person I know in here (male specimen; IQ of an unstamped, empty, pictureless postcard; attractiveness negligible; human qualities unspecified.) Of course the only person I know would also be the only person on the planet who I do not want to speak to! Humph! Zen nil; Art of serendipity, five.

Engage in evasive tactics. Side step to get out of his line of sight. Damn! Have been intercepted. Where is Sun Zsu when you need the bugger?

“Hi ‘dahlinggg!” he makes a big deal of greeting me. I whinge, repulsed by what’s to come. The dreaded. The inevitable.

- Brace yourself.

Nooooo. Should I scream and make a run for it?

- No this is neither the time nor the place for it. Plus you’re wearing skyscraper stilettos. You’ll never make it out of here in one piece.

Ok. Being brave. Here goes.

“Mwaaaah! Mwaaah!”

His obligatory kisses on my cheek (which I make it perfectly clear will not be returned as am merely being gracious recipient of unwanted attention) last for three seconds. Three seconds too long.

“Lemme get you a drink, babe! What’re you having?”

Just let me say (possibly for the first time in my life) is thank the good heavens above for alcohol. We will gloss over the ‘babe’ thingy, so as not to cause specimen any grievous bodily harm / instant death.

The git returns with my drink of choice – the largest rum and cola in all of Christendom. Yesss! Am feeling v much like have been caught up in some serious BJ tragicomic incident, yet am ever so slightly less poised under pressure. Tee hee!. Really, just sipping at the drink. (Desperately wish was not dressed in pretty sleeveless dress, which A-lines down to the floor - so graceful, so flowing! Would be undignified to gulp at drink. Yes, definitely undignified. Therefore will have to have many many sips, in very very rapid machine-gun-bullet-peppering-style succession.)

“Hang on! That’s not who I think it is, is it?” he gasps as I cringe.

Can I possibly deal with another of his ilk? No, hell no!

- And for once, there we agree.

Bloody marvellous! Now shut up, you in my head. Must leave brain free to think a way out of this mess.

He saunters over to a girl, who reminds me terribly of Paris Hilton, although she looks nothing like her (which is clearly not to say that she looks bad.) The socialite we shall call her (because; a. that’s what she reminds me of and b. I couldn’t be bothered to remember her name) tries to engage in some type of conversation with me and the git.

But I have other plans for the girl. Does the word ‘decoy’ ring a bell? Whoooohoooo for Sun Tzu! (Said in manner of high-school cheerleader.)

I uttered a couple of ‘uh huh!s’ and ‘oh yesses’ in between life-saving sips of rum (the real dark one, mind you!) and cola. No sooner had my drink evaporated (really have no idea where it wound up. Is great mystery of Maya and Inca civilisation calibre! I offered to bring them drinks, which is exactly I made a dash to the open air area of the pahtay, mingling in with the crowd, in manner of uberspy infiltrating some hi risk poker players in a highly classified covert operation. (I will v possibly use this material for the next Bond, James Bond film – the remake of the Casino Royale…)

I went outside for another cigarette and decided that this episode was one for the blog! Which is where this post starts. Maybe the drink was too strong - no maybe about it. Suspicions verified by fact that I kept on mis-spelling words in my draft smses (this is my fifth) and having to re type them. V annoying.

And that’s how, in v zen like manner, things sorted themselves out. Better go make my way home in stealth-mode, before git comes looking for his drink or a trendy way to bum a cigarette!

Gone in 60 hours

... not quite as fast as Randall 'Memphis' Raines, but it still managed to go from this
to this:

which turned into this:

and ultimately this:

And all in under 60 hours! I don't know how this happens, but i guess it must be magic! (sic!) Oh well! Oh well. Yes, that!

Look and work

No, I have not vanished into a big black hole in the ground / my wardrobe, been kidnapped, been transported to another planet, been transformed into a pencil! But thaks for your messages / emails!

This past month I have been clearly very busy. Which was good and not. Good - because I like getting things done and seeing (hopefully positive!) results. Bad - because I haven't been blogging. or doing some other stuff which i should've taken care of. you see, working towards something that you want to achieve isn't doing what you have to. Its doing what you have to, in order to get what you want. Follow me? Nevermind!

I have been working on getting a major project of mine off the ground and hopefully into the stratosphere - and believe me, you WILL be told the full details, if i ever manage to pull this one off successfully! Meanwhile, I have had lots of other stuff to work on, and as we know I am not a balanced person, so when multi-tasking (eeek! horrible hominus mechanicus type word) I tend to focus on the two or three most pressing tasks and ignore the rest. Until, the ignored task take their revenge by becoming urgent - in manner of a blog which has not been updated for almost a month.

Okay, okay. Damn conscience keeps nagging at me! How do I get rid of the thing!

Apart from working hard I have also been indulging in some serious searching and scouring. I have been hunting down:
1. Tracking down reason (Where on earth is it hiding lately? The weirdest things just keep on happening to me!)
2. Inspiration (It was hiding in my chest of drawers all this time!)
3. Meaning of life (the Zen Master's idea - just to put things into perspective...)
4. My tribal sun pendant (buried deep in my jacket pocket!)
5. The numbers to the Lm 400,000 super 5 draw (I guessed one number, so have improved since last time I played!)

Well I have been working so hard, that JC (who has also been working very hard on her own projects) and I have decided to go off on a weekend break. I cannot tell you how good that feels! There it is, it's out - A WEEKEND BREAK! No promises, (and even if I did promise, would you believe me?) as I don't know whether I'll find an internet cafe next to the hotel, BUT I will do my best to post at least once and I will take lots of pics to add to my Flickr album.

Honoured by an Honourable Mention! Yesss!

I was about to start working on a post about everything being same old, same old here. In fact I had already thought up the title: Nothing new on the Western Front - in a bid to make up for the fact that I've been a rather naughty girl and not blogged for a week! Did ya miss me? He he he! Then I surfed some sites which I visit regularly only to discover...

Drum rolls, please!
(To signify big event.)

Trumpets!
(To signify nobility of character, although perhaps not of bloodline.)

Confetti!
(Ideally pink. Cannot help this am a girl and am going through a Pink Phase, although perhaps not to the extent / magnitude of Picasso's Blue Phase. Ho Hum.)

SUBJECT: My previous post, Things that go swish in the night has earned me an honourable mention in Robert Micallef's Wired Temples Blog for July blog entries. Yesss!

Woooo! Hoooo! - said in manner of cheerleader whenever her boyfried-quarterback scores / hits a home run (or is that baseball?) Anyways, whatever they do in American football!)

Way back in January, Robert was also kind enough to feature my blog on Wired Temples which I also blogged about here!

As I was scrolling through my archives, I realised that I have been blogging for almost a year! I CANNOT believe this.

I think that this blog is possibly one of the few longish-term commitments which I look forward to keeping! (Use of the word 'longish' is newly coined here, though highly necessary particularly in view of Einstein's theory, time being relative, quantum physics, etc!) Hmmm... Makes you think, doesn't it? Perhaps I simply don't find other longish-term commitments so interesting!

Things that go swish in the night

START: The other night…

PAUSE: was it yesterday, the day before or last week? Can't remember for the life of me, but who cares? (Thank goodness don’t force my hand with the drink; I’m not even much of a teetotal – or I’d be killing way more brain cells than I can afford from the looks of it!) Bah! Time – does it matter at all, I ask? (In reality, I suspect that it matters quite a lot, however let’s pretend it doesn’t!) As I always say whenever I'm late which turns out to be often enough (!) I refuse to be bound by the conventions of time. Well, unless I'm fighting tooth and nail to make a deadline or something. It is worth noting that my anti-time-convention-philosophy is at its most fluent in the morning, when my hand menacingly smashes into my alarm clock to push (I say push, but really it’s demolish) the snooze button for the umpteenth time.

RESUME: Anyway… What was I going on about? Aha! Yes. Right, I got home after having coffee with a friend, made myself a nice glass of ice cold water (I seem to be drinking like a fish lately), watched some TV (a Will and Grace re-run; don’t you just lurve Karen?!? Aha ha ha ha ha… with her high pitched voice!) and had a nice revitalising shower. I did some bedtime reading after which my eyes started to glaze over and I started yawing uncontrollably. It was only when I was seriously struggling to put the words on the page into focus and keep my eyes open that I decided that I was exhausted enough to deserve some serious shut eyes.

Not a second after I had turned off my bedside lamp, I got that ominous feeling that something was amiss. Being ever so slightly neurotic, I walked to the bathroom to check whether I had turned the lights off. Yes - I had.

Then I thought maybe I left the water running, so I had to put the lights on to check that none of the taps were gushing out gallons of water in manner of Niagara Falls or similar. Verified that no water was sprouting from the taps. Turned off the lights again. Resignedly, I made my way, downstairs where everything seemed alright. The fridge was closed, lights off, even the front door was locked well. And there were no monsters lurking behind the curtains, or crouched under the sofa.

So what was it, I wondered as I decided to go back upstairs to sleep trying to ignore the nagging feeling that something (hopefully something other than my mind!) was decidedly off.

Less than a split second later I hit the lights on again. I knew it! Hunting in my bag, I confirmed my suspicion. My beloved mobile was missing. Now where did I leave it? I knew that I had it with me in the car when I got home, because I heard my sms alert. After scouring the room (twice!) I knew that I had left my phone in the car, which meant that I had to get dressed (no, I’m not going out in my PJs!), go downstairs, unlock the door, walk all the way round the corner to where my car was parked and reverse the whole process until I was back in bed and hopefully sound asleep.

As soon as I stepped outside, keys in my hand (to make sure I don’t get locked out… again!) a cool gust of wind brushed my hair and gave me goose bumps – very unlikely for a July evening in Malta. My next-door neighbour’s trees were rustling ominously, shadows were flickering in and out of the night, while the wind was whispering strange things in a language I do not speak. Suddenly my suburban neighbourhood seemed totally alien to me. It was as though I was in some fantasy/fiction novel come to life!

I looked around me and proceeded to the car, got my phone and was walking back home when I saw a shooting star streak across the clear velvety sky. I stopped in my tracks and admired the stars shimmering in the moonlight – a sight which was well worth the impromptu midnight stroll. I got home, charged my mobile phone (after warning it never to go wondering off under the car seat all alone at night again!) and had a good night’s sleep.

Oh… and just in case you were wondering, I did make a wish upon seeing the shooting star. I won’t tell what that wish was, but I will tell you if and when it comes true!

Images on Flickr

I have just added some images which I like or I took with my faithful phone on my new Flickr page, which you can view here and also comment on. :)

Also, I have been meaning to tell you, that just in case you hadn't noticed the general revamp of the blog, I have also been working on some tecchie bloggy things, such as the Bloglet i.e. the little box in the sidebar, through which you can subscribe to regular email updates from my blog.

Something good, sometimes!

I have to, HAVE TO tell someone or I will just die grinning stupidly like this, with this impish expression on my face! I feel like a little child who's been up to no good! Not very becoming of a lady, I know!

And all because this morning, on the way into work, the object of self's affection wasn't sleepy-eyed at all but very chatty and alert and suave - holding a conversation of intellectual nature with self and using various tri-syllabic words! Self is obviously largely relieved to find that said gentleman has such a vast vocabulary - even it was really early in the morning.

Fortunately I was wearing my full-office-makeup (which differs largely from the full-party-evening-makeup, unless one is of course practising the oldest trade in the world, which self is not!) And I had colour coordinated accessories – blue today. (Don't worry, I am not at all over the pink phase and will NOT be switching the template of the blog to blue! Not yet, anyway!)

It is as though the powers that be have decided to make up for Monday! Yesss! Or perhaps it is the new very chic necklace I have, which is made of glass and beads and semi precious stones (all different shades of blue) which may have some very potent magical properties. Or maybe, just maybe he was just in a chatty mood!

And just to think that some ten minutes before meeting said gentleman, I was really grumpy, because:
A) It was too early in the morning to be going to work!
B) One of my exes has taken to parking his car in the same car park as me – which means that I meet him almost every morning. Has he no decency?
C) Some idiot had almost run me and my car onto a pavement on the Birkirkara bypass this morning!

Funny how some things can just flip your perspective round 180 degress!

Hurray it's Monday!

I have spent the greater part of my weekend with a migraine… which is no way to celebrate my meeting yet another deadline (damn!) I guess that life isn’t really fair.

Humph!

When my migraine seemed to be letting off a little, I managed to read some more wonderful twist-in-the-tale-stories by the great O’Henry, which did much to improve the quality of my weekend and my mood… which goes to show you exactly how bad migraines are, particularly when they interrupt perfect weekend plans. Humph!

And we’re back to Monday, which is generally NOT my favourite day of the week! It’s funny how meeting the right person on the way to work can brighten up even the blandest of Mondays. Talk about a good start to your day! Then again, when this said object of one’s affection is too sleepy-eyed to notice oneself (and one’s perfectly colour-coordinated pink accessories, makeup, etc.) the grey cloud that looms upon every fun-loving twentysomething on a Monday morning, darkens ominously to charcoal grey before ultimately surrenders to coal with a stifled whimper. Then it starts thundering and lightening, flashes of electrical atmospheric charge making the coal black cloud look even backer. And CLAP, BANG, BOOM (yes, in the manner of Adam West’s Batman TV series) the little cloud starts pouring rain like there’s no tomorrow. In fact there probably won’t be a tomorrow, and even if tomorrow were to survive it would need acqua lungs to get through the floods. Humph!

This evening I am meeting the Zen Master, henceforth known as ZM (my my, all those legal dramas I’ve been watching and reading are really paying off in terms of pompous vocabulary.. which might probably be ever so slightly distracting, annoying and counterproductive. Make mental note to strike off such abhorrent language from the record! Gaaah! GAAAH! Am now thinking like a lawyer, there must definitely be something very wrong with me HELP! HELP!)

…

Ok have calmed down. Well, at any rate, I am as calm as my natural constitution will ever permit me to be! Will visit my doctor this week to see whether migraines are in any way related to legal dramas, and similar jargon as need serious help! (Obviously.)

Back to the Zen Man who is is smart – way smarter than average (a prerequisite for striking up a conversation, let alone friendship with me!) He’s so smart in fact that he’s even smarter than me (double damn!) And sly as a fox. I am not sure that I am exactly looking forward to hearing his verdicts about my questions. Because whereas other (normal, average Joe) people try to provide answers to your burning questions, ZM simply rates them. It’s one of his many idiosyncrasies -he uses questions as mirrors on which to reflect your personality – very frustrating and severely thought-inducing, which I suspect is his exact intention, honed in like a missile. Let’s hope all this doesn’t give me another migraine!

To my knowledge there is only one reader who knows who I refer to by ZM. She also knows him in person and says that I do give a pretty spot on description (so there, you have it, I’m not exaggerating, or making a fuss, or anything!)

Will let you know how it goes later this week, if I somehow manage to get through today, that is!

Hurray it's Monday!

But really, there's no need to cheer!

London replies!

Thanks to those of you who emailed to ask about my friends in London. The two who i hadn't managed to get in touch with are both safe and well, thank goodness! The relief I felt in knowing that my friends were well was immense. As it turned out, one was on holiday in the Med, while Gret simply left her mobile at home... and what a day to choose to forget one's mobile!

An important deadline (for one of my 'projects') fell this Saturday, which meant that I was very stressed, frantic and generally insane. (What else is new?) However, I managed to watch a great deal of coverage about the attacks in London. It's been really terrible. And it will be very difficult for those friends and families who are mouring their loved ones, as well as those who have been injured, and others looking for the missing. My thoughts go out to these people.

While the world has been in shock over the attacks Londoners have been picking up the pieces and getting back to normality in admirable Brit fashion. They have been called stoic and resilient. They bravely got right back to using the public transport system (where this was available) the day after the attacks. They went back to their life, which is not to say that they weren't upset or concerned. Their great asset is the courage they showed in getting over their perfectly understandable fears and back into their lives. What a reply to give the world and the persons who perpetrated the cruel and inhuman acts!

I was once told that it's not succeeding or failing which counts in life. It's not about how you fall, but how you rise from a defeat and take the challenge to try better and harder next time round. This reminds me of my all time favourtie poem, If by Rudyard Kipling, where he says:

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
...
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;