Where Am I Now?

Those of you who have been regular readers of MaltaToday since it's inception, might recall a very entertaining column entitled 'Where are they now?' Tongue lodged firmly in cheek, I am posting what is possibly the first auto-biographical sarcastic interview... EVER. (Drum rolls please!) This post is dedicated to said column and its author. By the way, does anyone know why they stopped running the column???

Name: Nina78
No, we meant actual name: You wish! Prefer to hide under safe womb-like protection duvet of nome de plume. Also, cannot possibly handle chance of some people taking a contract out on my head.

Gender: Female, duh! (just take a look at the staggering amount of shoes, accessories, bags and clothes in subject's possession.)

Age: It's NOT appropriate to ask a lady that!
Age: Ask nicely.
Age, pretty please: 27. I know I don't look it (or act like it!) but it's true.

Last time you checked the meaning of modesty in the dictionary: Oh shut up! I.AM.NOT.TALKING.TO.YOU.

Most remarkable features: Wit, sense of humour and hearing voices of my head.

Were you paying attention to the previous question?

Favourite action hero: Batman.

Mission in life: World domination.

Appearance: Stylish and high-maintenance. Slightly hungover, but ONLY this morning!

Will never: Eat at fast-food chains.

Who's coming over for supper tonight: Supper, do I look like I have time for supper? Or the will to eat?

Where am I now?
Temporal-spatial dimension of self, currently unknown. Have been globe-trotting in manner of jet setting mogul (only NOT in first class!) for work-related purposes. Am jet-lagged and pathetically trying to catch up with humungous list of things-to-do. (Listing obsession reaching dramatic proportions now.) Too busy to bother with mess-state of self's life (which perhaps is a very good thing.) Also due to all this travelling have felt incontrollable urge to spend at airports and have also managed to squeeze in some frantic shopping under the buy-all-you-can-due-to-little-time-for-shopping-while-on-business-trip syndrome. As a result, ams now scared of checking bank balance as self's MasterCard is still hot from usage at various EPOS machines across Europe. Financial doom imminent. Possibly self is also still too drunk from last night to know / care about location! Gaah!

(Sound of head throbbing. Padumph. Padumph. Pa-da-dum. DUM.)

Where are you going?
Do I look like I know? Seriously! Do you mean where are you going, as in what are you planning to do with your life? That's a good question. One which requires serious reflection - perhaps I can jot down some ideas while I'm travelling on a plane (unless I have to catch up on work or something!)

No. What location will you be visiting next?
Oh, that!

(Sigh of total and utter boredom escapes self's lips.)

So?
Oh right. You're expecting a sensible answer.

(Sound of torch-light going on and rummaging of self searching for sense and its defunct cousin: sensible answer, in bottomless pit of new tote.)

Am attending a conference somewhere in the Med.

Sigh. (In resignation.)

New outlook on life (sic!)

Yes, well as you can see I have changed (rather drastically - but that's me!) my blog template, as well as a number of other things in life.

Read: A change will do you good! (cf: Cheryl Crow)

Hmmm... Not so sure about the 'doing me good' bit about change. But at least it's something, no?

Am trying to make sense of a number of nonsensical happennings that have been going on at this end of the keyboard, but to no avail. (sic! what else is new?) In an attempt to clarify intense confusion that has gripped self, i have come up with the list below. (Tsk!)

Some background here: I believe that when being in the eye of a hurricane-from-hell type storm it is always best to stay very still and do nothing. Do nothing, but think and rationalise your way out of the hurricane. And we all know that the best way to clarify your thoughts are via lists. (Says who? Dunno. Just go with it. Pleeeease!) This is, I believe, what people do when in the jungle / forest they chance upon a lion / bear. The notion is clearly to pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary, thereby fooling the wild beast (with big,BIG teeth nestled in a very,VERY strong jaw) into believing that there is need to attack. Meanwhile, the beast will just wander off back to its den allowing you to escape slowly, and without making any sudden movements.

Disclaimer: This theory has not as yet been scientifically proven and the author will take no responsibility for the consequences of following the 'plan' above.

Note: If you are reading this and considering taking the author's advice, kindly seek medical attention, or even better check yourself into the funny farm. The author and her 'advice' are never, EVER to be listened to. Failure to heed this note may (and let's face it, probably will) get you in no-end of trouble!

Back to MY list...

List has been complied with same attitude used by The Bride's in Kill Bill. (Note, I said attitude, as in: I am not determined to hack people but just to get to grips with certain 'issues'. Now, if only i could swathe a Hattori Hanzo blade like that... suspect that earth would be a much better place!) Humph!

Well, here goes...

List of things that are REALLY starting to bug me:
(not in order of aggravation or priority!)

1. Situation with BIG - impossible to explain due to flippant, fickle nature of situation itself.
2. Maybe even BIG (?) - which perhaps would be a good thing in manner of a sign that self is over it and has moved on. Hmmm. Perhaps this should be stricken from the list. But now that i typed it out and all... Naaaahhhh!
3. Other people's fuck-ups affecting self's life - hmmmm better not dwell too much on this. too aggravating.
4. Self's lack of commitment to self's self-imposed goals - also better not to dwell too much on this. too depressing.
5. Failure of self to fix things - should go to some cosmic DIY lessons.
6. Failure of Zen Master to fix things - cosmic DIY lessons to be taken from someone other than the Zen Master, perhaps. (However am aware that it is ALL MY FAULT. Despite my best efforts!)
7. Self's compulsive obsession to list things - this is getting really baaaaaaadddd now!

Any advice anyone, seriously.

Better specify here. Any GOOD advice, anyone.

Seriously!

Lights AND Doors

Note: Hung over from last nights 'excursion' with Lars and Er. We are all in our own separate ruts and since we seem to have reached the bottom of the barrel, we have sought solace in the bottom of wine bottles (white: Lars and Er) and Bacardi Cola (self.) So if this bit doesn't exactly make sense, blame it on the booze still in my system, this time!

Proverbial light at end of tunnel keeps flashing on and off, impishly blinding poor self as am immersed in a thick black ink placed which is punctured sporadically by floods of white light which blink on and off in manner of strobe at a rave. Since have never dropped e (in the words of my generation - sic! not my generation but the YOUNGER generation) cannot therefore possibly find this light freak show soothing in any manner, shape or psychedelic form.

You know how they say God never shuts one door without opening another.... The lights at the end of the tunnel continue to blink epileptically - though hopefully signalling impending opportunities coming my way, as my horo / horror-scope said - as opposed to signalling that they are regrettably on the blink! (In which Case: GAAAAHHHHH!) Well, in addition to blinking lights now also have to deal with added cacophony of doors slamming open and shut throughout said metaphorical tunnel as though were in the middle of bloody storm-draught from Alaska, Siberia or similar.

All is very confusing. Perhaps Zen Master is right (damn!) and life has no meaning (double damn!)
Also, perhaps efforts of people surrounding self have come to fruition and self has finally conceded into insanity. (Can almost hear men in white coats approaching the door!)

Gaah!

Laughing hysterically, which was pretty much what we did last night, ALL night: Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha HA!

Have therefore given up making sense of anything (again, sic!) and have done the only sane thing to do under the circumstances - severe retail therapy. (Read: shopping in three countries within the span of 24 hours.) It works wonders in manner of displacement activity (believe me, I'm an expert on the matter.)

Also have read Marian Keyes Under the Duvet (as a run up to the gift which Lars and Er gave me - Further Under the Duvet) AND Lauren Weiseberger's Everyone Worth Knowing.

Great progress, therefore. Think that am holding up pretty well under the circumstances. Obviously this will all change when I get my credit card bill and the inevitable note officially informing me that the bank has put a contract out on my head, as it were. (And who can blame them?) Will be / am in BIG trouble again!

Sound of doors slamming as self walks through proverbial tunnel. Now running madly into the flashing of lights which black out and flash back on with even greater intensity.

Gaah!

Repeat mantra du jour at will:

It all works out in the end. Nobody knows how –
but it always does.

(From the film Shakespeare in Love)

From Brrrrrusselzzz

On a work trip in Brussels...

Am writing from an AZERTY keyboard (as opposed to a QWERTY, which is clearly what all human beings are used to!) So I keep on typing q instead of a, a colon instead of the letter m and funny symbols instead of numbers, etc. (Am just clarifying that all typos - and there will be many are due to the freak nature of this keyboard as opposed to my lack of familiarity with the English language or excess alcohol consumed due to the freezing cold here!)

Managed to find an Internet cafe pretty close to my hotel so do not need to freeze my butt off for too long in order to blog. Obviously freezing self s (sorry, but cannot find the apostrophe for the life of me) butt off would be appealing in manner of fad diet which promises to loose a stone in two hours AND actually delivers! However, am working on developing realistic expectations from life. Yeah, right!

FYI Over the past five minutes have hqd - I mean HAD - to correct like a million bloody typos.... bloody, bloody keyboqrd! Will take a minute here to throw well deserved and long-overdue hissy fit! GAAAAAH§

Al is coincidentally also here on work, so am planning to meet up with him for dinner, as we very often do back home.

Well, regards to all of you and a very happy valentine s day to all!

Am now going to my hotel room, where the ever so thoughful management has left me utterly delicious belgiqn-melt-in-your-mouth chocs to commemorate Cupid s day! Yessss!

Back to ifs!

Shall I bother with apologies? Is it even the case? Need I tell you that I have been meaning to write for some time (understatement of the baby-new year!) but alas, I have not managed to get down to it!

Sometimes I think that I am the only sane person left in the world and that the entire population of our dingy planet is trying to drive me bananas. So I guess that you can imagine that things are pretty hectic and intense (which I am somewhat partial to - the intense part, that is - definitely NOT the hectic!)

I have been terribly busy getting on with my life, dealing with the crises that it entails, getting one of my dear darling baby projects stamped with 'rejection', trying to detect who on earth is sending me weird text messages and generally keeping the world spinning safely on its axis and preventing it from spiralling desparately into oblivion, which is precisely the world's natural enthropic tendency. THIS is what I have been up to (or at least that what it feels like!)

You would think that I've received my nomination for the next Nobel prize in the post, just today, but quizzically enough nobody from the Nobel board / commission has contacted me yet... Must look into this. Perhaps will be a late entry. Yes, that's it a surprise-last-minute nominations that bags the prize. The underdog that gets its day! Also, I hear that some serious cash is simply handed out along with the prestige, and I could seriously do with that (both cash and prestige, although need for cash has become more pronounced in order to escape hounding mad population of people just trying to get me locked up! Gaah! Will this ever end?)

However, there seems to be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

Or perhaps am simply hallucinating (again!)

Or perhaps am seeing alien spaceship ready to whizz me away and ordain me ultimate leader of their planet!

Someone call my therapist!

Along the lines of my favourite poem (aka If by Rudyard Kipling)

If you can keep your head when all about
you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you

If only I could, dear Rudyard, if only I could indeed.... It would open up my world to a whole new realm of if-then possibilities.

On a more positive note, which is the traditional formulaic way in which all fairy tales end, appear to have re-discovered infinite pleasure of blogging! (Verging on the addiction, once again - have I got no sense of balance at ALL???) Sigh!

Transferece

"...is a kind of relationship illusion. It occurs easily and effortlessly when we first meet someone and try to form an understanding of who they are based on first impressions. It is an unconscious process, in that it occurs without effort, and does not announce itself. You only know it has happened when the person you thought you had a handle on goes and does something completely unexpected." From http://mentalhelp.net/

I came across this interesting excerpt after googling 'Help' and following the first search result. (I didn't hit the I-Feel-Lucky button because I don't feel lucky, and if I did feel lucky karma/the universe/God would help me naturally, so I wouldn't need help!)

I think that this definition of transference is v true! Hence it follows... do we ever really know people? And to delve deeper... do we ever really know ourselves?

HELP!

Someone, anyone. Call the Zen Master!

Help me.

Help yourself.

Heal the planet.

Give me a God damn break!

Ifs, Ands and But(t)s

If only something would go right! The great premise of my life. The one caveat I can never draft into my contracts. Does that sound so unreasonable? Believe me, at the moment it is.

And unfortunately I am wearing non-water proof mascara, so I can't even pretend to go to the loo and have a little cry session. (And yes I know, I started the previous sentence, as well as this aside with an 'and', breaking the rules of countless writing style guides written for people who couldn't recognise style even if it was staring them in the face and bit them in the arse! Call it blatant defiance - it is!)

Goodnessgraciousme. What to do now?

Now?

What?

Feeling as though am walking on a tightrope. (And not for the first time.)

But fortunately (defying style guides, once again - see!) love wearing high heels (although clearly do not need them, as am tall and have great posture!) Problem is that I have no sense of balance. Not physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. Am always dashing between the extremes. Aristotle's words are water off my back.

Tightrope? Pleaaaaase. I can handle it.

No I cannot. Want a puppy (rottweiler or golden Labrador, depending on my mood.) Want to go home and crawl under the duvet with a case of Moet which I will have to sleep off in manner of comatose patient!

Puppy / home / duvet / Moet all impossibly unavailable to me. Am therefore going to surf the net as a temporary displacement activity.

Back. Diga'!?!

Oooh! Will check self's email. Perhaps have received email from BeeW (Bruce Willis, as he is known to his fans!)

Back again. No email from Bruce / Beno / God. No one.

Gaaah! Perhaps should call Zen Master?

No.

Will handle mini-crisis on my own. Perhaps will employ evasive tactics. Yes. Surely that's a great plan. Mela, after I getouttahere will go shopping as Dear-Lord-In-Heaven-Above (aka DLIHA) there must (and I mean MUST) be something good out there to buy. A new pair of shoes – definitely! And a matching bag – ditto. And a new notebook to start yet another project.

See… Shopping! Yippee! Feeling better already!

And then I had a (not so) little drink…

Note (1): I know that this post is well overdue. It's way much more overdue than my credit card payment, actually! Which (sneaky suspicion creeping up...) may be why the bank manager's got a contract out on my head! Overdue it is. And (modesty apart.... ppppfft!) I think it's worth it! (Said in manner of a certain supermodel in the ad campaign of certain hair products...)

Note (2): Some background on this post (you're gonna need it so keep reading): Since I cannot, for the sake of me moblog (Why dear God, why? WHY?), I have written the following post as an SMS on my mobile and saving it as a draft. (There I am manipulating technology to suit ME! My plans for world domination may be realised after all! Ha ha ha! (Ominously. Then, teeeee heeeee! in fits of hysterical outbreak which are likely to land me at the farm!)

Note (3): This is a long post. Not boring, but voluminous - sounds better, like saying not fat, but voluptuous. What I mean is, get some snacks and beverages ready (lo fat AND lo cal if you’re voluptuous), we don’t want you withering away in front of your computer!

- Opens mobile and is about to start typing new message.

Hang on, waitress is coming and absolutely must have food as have drunk (vide title and await insane explanation to follow.)

- Bdejna bit-tajjeb. (Maltese for: So much for starting on the right foot.)

Am at a party. Alone. And I don't know anyone here, despite being in Malta. So am moblogging after a non functional fashion (ie saving my post as a draft SMS message on my mobile.) Very me – particularly the non functional part. Seen any loose cannons lately, anyone?

Is it possible that I know nobody at wedding in Malta ?

Yes. Contrary to popular, indeed perhaps also logical expectation, it is! ‘Bloody Marvellous’, to quote Uncle Benny in Lethal Weapon 4, who was also v inebriated when he said it! (Again, vide title!)

Hang on, good looking guy is passing! (V good looking? Or is he just average, but looking better due to the drink?)

- Lordy, lordy, lord!

Typical! Is with someone (female, tarty-looking broad. Poss his gf (girlfriend)? Obviously he has no taste in women. Or rather he does have taste but its v V baaaad! Eeek!)

Better start putting you dear readers in the picture, as I assume that you must be pretty confused by now.

- You and me both! Heqqq hmmmm... (sounds of choking, stifled laughter, gagging. Big banging sounds in background. Commotion ends abruptly.)

Came to pahtay alone as all men I know are: busy, abroad, coupled, gay, mad or missing in action (and they’d better pray that they ain’t found til I’m done raving and ranting). Brilliant! (Note bitter sarcasm in self's voice.) But had to come to the bash as it was a friend's plus I hadn't had the brains to give her the pressie earlier. (Me, being the genius that I am – NOT!)

Will take a moment of pause to gather self's so as to focus on the point of entire post.

- Moment of pause to gather self's thoughts broken by commotion. Getting louder and more rauchous. (There, have managed to use a word from my word-a-day-calendar. Although whether said word has been used correctly is another matter altogether.)

Gawd! Need food as am done for and poss totally smashed. Funny how when in desperate need, one becomes transparent to waiters!

- She meant to say invisible, not transparent. Chuh!

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

- Loud crashing sound in background. What is it now! Did you have to scare me like that?

Maybe am dead and do not know it, in manner of Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. Ooops, nearly toppled over in stiletto heels, so am not dead (too undignified even for ghost to topple over in heels!) Phew!

Yesss, waitress coming my way with food. Of some sort, anyway. Cannot be choosy as am on the brink of an insane drunk episode, methinks. Better feed the alcohol demon by eating. Wonder whether finger food will keep the alcohol demon at bay. V doubtful but no harm in trying.

Awwwww! Just bit into smouldering feta cheese and gherkin fried-in-lipsmacking-batter thingy which has burnt self's mouth.

Double damn. Now need another drink to cool down! You see! This is how perfectly normal people unintentionally get drunk when having an episode, for which they are in no way to blame.

- Erm yes. She just wants another drink, doesn’t she now?

Yes. Need another drink! Need? Want? Pffaff! Yes, that and another cigarette. Shit.

- Oi. Watch your language you. A lady dressed in such a pretty number has no business with those words. And show some respect for your readers, will you?.

Pause. Self checks whether self’s superego is hitting on self (what the heck would that mean? Damn Freud!) / being too bossy / needs a lesson in NOT telling me how to behave in such a mess! Large fight ensues. Screams. Crockery (from where?) smashing. Sounds of sword-fight. People hanging off large wrought iron chandelier. Sound of chandeliers plummeting to the ground. Fall of chandelier broken by fictional being (i.e. self’s superego) previously swinging off it. Werewolf-like howling. Superego gives in and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Leaves self alone to be mollycoddled by Id.

On way to bar spot the only person I know in here (male specimen; IQ of an unstamped, empty, pictureless postcard; attractiveness negligible; human qualities unspecified.) Of course the only person I know would also be the only person on the planet who I do not want to speak to! Humph! Zen nil; Art of serendipity, five.

Engage in evasive tactics. Side step to get out of his line of sight. Damn! Have been intercepted. Where is Sun Zsu when you need the bugger?

“Hi ‘dahlinggg!” he makes a big deal of greeting me. I whinge, repulsed by what’s to come. The dreaded. The inevitable.

- Brace yourself.

Nooooo. Should I scream and make a run for it?

- No this is neither the time nor the place for it. Plus you’re wearing skyscraper stilettos. You’ll never make it out of here in one piece.

Ok. Being brave. Here goes.

“Mwaaaah! Mwaaah!”

His obligatory kisses on my cheek (which I make it perfectly clear will not be returned as am merely being gracious recipient of unwanted attention) last for three seconds. Three seconds too long.

“Lemme get you a drink, babe! What’re you having?”

Just let me say (possibly for the first time in my life) is thank the good heavens above for alcohol. We will gloss over the ‘babe’ thingy, so as not to cause specimen any grievous bodily harm / instant death.

The git returns with my drink of choice – the largest rum and cola in all of Christendom. Yesss! Am feeling v much like have been caught up in some serious BJ tragicomic incident, yet am ever so slightly less poised under pressure. Tee hee!. Really, just sipping at the drink. (Desperately wish was not dressed in pretty sleeveless dress, which A-lines down to the floor - so graceful, so flowing! Would be undignified to gulp at drink. Yes, definitely undignified. Therefore will have to have many many sips, in very very rapid machine-gun-bullet-peppering-style succession.)

“Hang on! That’s not who I think it is, is it?” he gasps as I cringe.

Can I possibly deal with another of his ilk? No, hell no!

- And for once, there we agree.

Bloody marvellous! Now shut up, you in my head. Must leave brain free to think a way out of this mess.

He saunters over to a girl, who reminds me terribly of Paris Hilton, although she looks nothing like her (which is clearly not to say that she looks bad.) The socialite we shall call her (because; a. that’s what she reminds me of and b. I couldn’t be bothered to remember her name) tries to engage in some type of conversation with me and the git.

But I have other plans for the girl. Does the word ‘decoy’ ring a bell? Whoooohoooo for Sun Tzu! (Said in manner of high-school cheerleader.)

I uttered a couple of ‘uh huh!s’ and ‘oh yesses’ in between life-saving sips of rum (the real dark one, mind you!) and cola. No sooner had my drink evaporated (really have no idea where it wound up. Is great mystery of Maya and Inca civilisation calibre! I offered to bring them drinks, which is exactly I made a dash to the open air area of the pahtay, mingling in with the crowd, in manner of uberspy infiltrating some hi risk poker players in a highly classified covert operation. (I will v possibly use this material for the next Bond, James Bond film – the remake of the Casino Royale…)

I went outside for another cigarette and decided that this episode was one for the blog! Which is where this post starts. Maybe the drink was too strong - no maybe about it. Suspicions verified by fact that I kept on mis-spelling words in my draft smses (this is my fifth) and having to re type them. V annoying.

And that’s how, in v zen like manner, things sorted themselves out. Better go make my way home in stealth-mode, before git comes looking for his drink or a trendy way to bum a cigarette!

Gone in 60 hours

... not quite as fast as Randall 'Memphis' Raines, but it still managed to go from this
to this:

which turned into this:

and ultimately this:

And all in under 60 hours! I don't know how this happens, but i guess it must be magic! (sic!) Oh well! Oh well. Yes, that!

Look and work

No, I have not vanished into a big black hole in the ground / my wardrobe, been kidnapped, been transported to another planet, been transformed into a pencil! But thaks for your messages / emails!

This past month I have been clearly very busy. Which was good and not. Good - because I like getting things done and seeing (hopefully positive!) results. Bad - because I haven't been blogging. or doing some other stuff which i should've taken care of. you see, working towards something that you want to achieve isn't doing what you have to. Its doing what you have to, in order to get what you want. Follow me? Nevermind!

I have been working on getting a major project of mine off the ground and hopefully into the stratosphere - and believe me, you WILL be told the full details, if i ever manage to pull this one off successfully! Meanwhile, I have had lots of other stuff to work on, and as we know I am not a balanced person, so when multi-tasking (eeek! horrible hominus mechanicus type word) I tend to focus on the two or three most pressing tasks and ignore the rest. Until, the ignored task take their revenge by becoming urgent - in manner of a blog which has not been updated for almost a month.

Okay, okay. Damn conscience keeps nagging at me! How do I get rid of the thing!

Apart from working hard I have also been indulging in some serious searching and scouring. I have been hunting down:
1. Tracking down reason (Where on earth is it hiding lately? The weirdest things just keep on happening to me!)
2. Inspiration (It was hiding in my chest of drawers all this time!)
3. Meaning of life (the Zen Master's idea - just to put things into perspective...)
4. My tribal sun pendant (buried deep in my jacket pocket!)
5. The numbers to the Lm 400,000 super 5 draw (I guessed one number, so have improved since last time I played!)

Well I have been working so hard, that JC (who has also been working very hard on her own projects) and I have decided to go off on a weekend break. I cannot tell you how good that feels! There it is, it's out - A WEEKEND BREAK! No promises, (and even if I did promise, would you believe me?) as I don't know whether I'll find an internet cafe next to the hotel, BUT I will do my best to post at least once and I will take lots of pics to add to my Flickr album.